Fantasy League Big Brother

It's only a matter of time

"Dai thortie sevin in thu Beeg Brootha Howse"

Luckily for me I don't 'watch' the news anymore. Or reality TV thank god. This week has been a stupid hybrid of the two in the UK. An ignorant girl and a prima-dona have been dominating the news, even prompting questions about racism in the House of Commons. Talk about media-hype. Jade is not racist, just ignorant. I somehow doubt she's in the N.F.

We in the Littlepixel household can't believe that the government – Mr Brown in particular – lets himself be drawn on questions about this 'shocking' issue, when he should really just be saying that this is simply water-cooler tittle-tattle that hardly requires the attentions of the ruling elite. There's more racism in the average comprehensive school playground every day of the week, but that doesn't get any press. Funny that.

The bottom line is that the TV execs put people in houses like this exactly for the chance of *any* press and ergo good ratings via some sort of evocative and nerve-hitting personality clash. It's exactly why people tune into the goldfish bowl each night. Thora Hird and Gary Lineker would make for paint-drying TV so they choose people with the biggest likelihood of winding each other up. Hence the ingnoramous and the spoilt princess.

The other funny thing is the reality tv company's reticence to comment on it all. Could it be that Jade shares the same publicists as Davina, Dermot and Russell? It couldn't be to do with a clash of interests could it? Could it?

Banging these 'shocking truths' onto the evening news each night as well as every sodding paper in the kingdom only adds to viewing figures and nothing more. I've kinda stabbed myself in the back by talking about it here but it's been annoying me all week and I had to fire off a bileogram.

In the future, there will be Fantasy League Celeb Big Brother, it will be excellent and as exec producer at Endemol this will be my selection of 'housemates most likely to not get on and hopefully result in the first-ever 'Televised Celebrity Lynchmob Murder' ever.

1) Lauren 'James' Harries
2) Wilf Lunn
3) Divine
4) Max Headroom
5) Imelda Marcos
6) Dee Snider (from Twisted Sister)
7) Richard Stilgoe
8) Malcolm Tucker (from The Thick of It)
9) Zsa Zsa Gabor
10) Anne Armstrong (from U-Fit)
11) Kate Bush
12) Eamonn Holmes

Imagine the Factions. The Friction. Bring it on;
(I won't be tuning in though.)